A thing we don’t talk about

So I am going to discuss something that is not talked about often but when I decided to poll friends I found out so many women go through this and we generally suffer alone. I’m writing this to share my story and let others know they are NOT alone. Warning it’s rather long and I do get graphic.

I have been pregnant for 5 of the last 8 months, for 5 months I was excited and looking forward to having a new baby. I hoped for a girl but was really just hoping for a healthy baby that would be a perfect mix of my husband and I. My husband is my absolute best friend and we have been married for 2.5 year though we have known each other for 22 years. Wow saying I have known some that long makes me start to feel a tad too old! I have two boys for a previous relationship and he has been like a dad to them since we started dating 8 years ago. I have known since we started dating I wanted to marry him and we wanted to grow our family. We took thing slow and waiting for things to be right. Yet it seems as though all sorts of curve balls were thrown our. Yet this past year we decided we were finally ready to grow our family. 

In December of 2019 we found out we were expecting and were so very excited. Every thing was great until I was 9.5 weeks along and an ultrasound showed the embryo stopped developing and I had what was called a missed abortion or miscarriage.

 I went completely numb, how was this possible? My breast grew a cup size, I was throwing up and not just in the morning, how could it be something was wrong. I prayed that it was a mistake and that the blood tests would show my hcg ( pregnancy hormone that doubles every 48 hours in the first trimester) was going up and not down. However by the next week I had horrible pain, the nausea and no bleeding. My doctor had me admitted for a D and C and I was terrified. Googling did not help my fears as it seems it can be done awake, or asleep and can be painful. Thankfully I was sedated and released the next day. However my body practically shut down and I wasn’t able to keep anything down and ended up admitted again the next day. Doctors said they were not sure what was wrong but poked me and gave me fluids and dextrose and all sorts of things. I ended up being admitted 6 days, however this was pre corona and at least I could have family visit.

 I was in a dark place emotionally and spiritually. I kept asking why us, and there was a week that although I had healed physically I couldn’t bring myself to be around others, because I was still trying to process our loss. At this point I should mention I am a children’s music teacher so it requires a lot of positive energy and it was something I just couldn’t do. I was then able to fake it until the pain started to fade and I focused on the future. My husband and I were not sure we should try again but my ob assured me that it’s common to have one pregnancy not take and my labs looked great. She prescribed prenatal for me to take for the next two months and then said to try again.

So that’s what we did, I made sure to reduce caffeinated drinks, take the prenatals and didn’t drink the month before we tried. Well we got pregnant right when we tried and I called the ob right away to check things out! For weeks she assured me everything looked great, just some bad morning sickness. When I was about 6 weeks ( found out when I was 3.5 weeks) I started getting a pain and was very worried but the ultrasound showed everything was fine and all was okay! I allowed myself to get excited again, hope again, I let my guard down. At eight weeks my breast were up a full cup size again and my stomach was sticking out just a bit, which made us both every more excited. Again at the ten week mark the pain became unbearable only this time Covid was full swing and getting me into a hospital for a D and C was going to take a week. 

Can you imagine what it’s like to know you are going to miscarry but haven’t, to wonder why this is happening two times in a row. I had to take a break from social media because I just could deal with anything. I stoped praying for a few, I was very hurt and angry. A few days later I tried reading my Bible for comfort but nothing helped. I really questioned my faith and how I could believe in a God that would let this happen. This was truly the most painful time spiritually, physically, and emotionally of my life. I can’t even say what hurt worse. 

The night before my D and C I nearly passed out from the pain and went to the er where they admitted. I started bleeding and then I started gushing, like to my knees, I laid there and thought I was going to die. I felt myself getting weaker and my head began to spin as my blood pressure dropped. At this point I thought of my two boys and what would happen. I prayed with tears streaming down my face.

My D and C was moved up and thankfully all went well. However I woke up in pain and unable to keep anything down yet again, I spent the next two week in and out of the hospital and so far the assumption is the anesthesia made my Allergies go into overdrive.  I lost twenty five pounds in 4 weeks, let me tell you that is not pleasant at all. This last time was worse as I was cut off from my family and alone in a hospital room. Again I asked God Why? I couldn’t pray but I asked for prayers from my friends and family and I truly believe that helped me get through the dark times when I wasn’t able to even think clearly enough to pray. When I was hurting too much, my church families were there for me and prayed on my behalf. They also reminded me that I had support and offered to help in any way. A few women shared stories with me of their own struggles and then successes to encourage me and let me I wasn’t alone.

I still don’t have an answer for why but I have found some peace. If you find yourself in a place where you are hurting ask you fellow Christians for help, they will help you get to the place you need to be.

When I stopped trying to process everything by myself and find a reason for everything I was able to ask God got help. He has been there through so many other times when faced trials and he was here for me now. I am not one to believe God planned for that to happen but instead believe that God made sure I went to the er that night so I would get help and things didn’t turn out worse. So often in life at other times I have tried to take things on myself forgetting that God was there and that he could help me get through whatever the world threw at me. The song Sweet Mercies was also on my heart in a deeper way than I had experienced it before. I’ve lead this song on praise team more than I can count but the words hit me stronger and with more meaning.

It’s our confession, Lord that we are weak

So very weak, but you are strong

And though we’ve nothing Lord 

To lay at your feet

We come to your feet

And say help us along

A broken heart and a contrite spirit

You have yet to deny

Your heart of mercy beats with love strong current

Let the river flow, God

By your spirit now, Lord we cry

Let your mercies fall from heaven

Sweet mercies flow from heaven

New mercies for today

Shower them down Lord as we pray.

I pray this helps at least one other woman feel less alone.